the funeral

Dont remember much about the funeral itself.

I remember standing in the shower, water and steam spraying around me- thinking the world had tilted off center-if someone would just lean a little to the right or left, everything would go back to normal. Had to because this is fucking insane.

counting flowers. counting counting counting tiny white flowers with yellow centers.

music, his favorite artist, James Taylor,

this song was so much him.

and how they took that from him and us.

those men walking to the front and standing around his casket.

opening...what are they doing?! funeral isn't over yet. oh my god oh my god! gotta get out of here..

panic bzzzzzzzz filling my ears, blinding my eyes from an exit- spin spin spin

daughter screaming climbing over pews.

his brother's voice so far away. get her out of here. his hand, gentle soft leading me to a chair outside the chapel.
you ok...?

rockingrockingswayingrocking
head no no no no no no no no no-ing

tunneled sound soft like I wasn't there. don't know. not sure. she ok? no no no no cant sleep hasn't slept since

reassuring pats on raw shoulders

rick?
cant hear me. he's here though. I know hes here cuz thats why we're here.

no no no no no answer no rick

stop it!!!!! you hear me?!!!!!!! just stop it- he isnt dead - Rick doesn't die - he promised me he'd live forever! what the fucks wrong with you people?

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! skull shattering shreiks to steady whisper chanting

no no no nonononono

home sitting on our bed

so many people, on the floor, chairs, sitting quiet, watching... listening for me to break.

whispering..."want everyone to go please. thank you thank you for being here but can you go now? please. leave me to be still for awhile. too much right now. just too much."

(he won't stop if he sees you all here. please go go go go. they have to leave in case, in case....'what? because he wont stop)

sympathy wrapped shouldnt be alone right now's..

begging please

then firm. decided. go. please go.

rustling footsteps, scraping chairs, condolences

closing the door to everything that wasn't anymore.

blessed quiet
shhhhhhhhhh

rick...?

baited breath

yeh? here baby, im here...

never answers.

still never answers.