"Bye son, maybe some other time…"

I've been married for twelve years now, and still no kids. It is like a routine for me when asked, "How long have you been married", to which I will answer, "Twelve years and no kids". Every time I give that answer I feel a certain kind of incompleteness. Maybe it is a kind of defense mechanism for me to say that I have no kids but I'm still okay with it. On the contrary, I'm not, I still long for that bundle of joy that comes after nine months of waiting.

It was one of those ordinary weekends when everything is in routine. Then our landlady surprised us with a visit, it was a surprise because she only drops by to collect the rent. She told us that her helper is seven months pregnant, and finally the girl decided to give her baby away. I just don't know what prompted us to decide hastily, I guess the need is so strong for both of us.

In the two months that followed, we were giving monetary assistance for the girl. On the day she gave birth, our landlady called us. She told us if we could meet her at the hospital. I honestly did not see it coming, because when we arrived she told us that there were some complications. I got the chance to talk to the doctor, and she told me that they were not expecting the baby to last the night. I begged the doctor if I could just see the baby, that I was already calling my own in the past two months.

The baby was a boy. He looked so small with all the tubes that were attached to his small body. The doctor was beside me explaining some medical jargons that I was not paying attention to. Finally I said, "Bye son, maybe some other time". Then I felt tears burning down my face, I tried desperately to fight it back, but I can't.

We left after a few hours, and while in the car we spoke not a word. To probably break the deafening silence my husband turned on the radio...

"Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free
Hey lady..... I've been to paradise,
But I've never been to me"