Dutchess

At some point during an episode of The Likely Lads, Terry sings the opening line from this tune, whilst looking in a bathroom mirror, shaving or pulling out his nasal hair.

My love for The Likely Lads, particularly the return series, Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? grew and grew. Somewhere in the back of my head, next to my memories of the last time I was smacked by mother and the last time my brother threw a cricket ball at me, this song continued to leave an imprint.

For a long time, I had no idea when the song was written, who recorded it and even what genre of music it belonged to.

One day, my grandad gave me a box of sheet music. A lot of it was absolute tat. Being ever polite, I merely said “thank you”, but what I wanted to say was “Richard Clayderman? Rick Wakeman? Paint Your Wagon? Thanks, but there is more chance of me shagging Margaret Thatcher than playing any of these!”

But amongst the dross, there was the odd treat – the chart for All Of Me being one of them. Soon enough, I was out on the road (well the local town centre) busking jazz standards such as this, to a typically unreceptive audience. In fact, the only person who ever came up to me and said something nice, was the children’s TV presenter Tommy Boyd, who I had always thought was a bit of a twat. The fact he made a big song and dance about leaving 20p, proved my suspicions.

In the following years, I would often whip out All Of Me to yet more unreceptive audiences, usually at wedding receptions.

When I lived in Sydney in 2007, I used to pop down to a jazz jam at Bar Me in King’s Cross. One week, a gorgeous Dutch girl and her equally fit friend came down to check it out. They made some nice comments about my piano playing and that was that.

A few weeks later, the lovely Dutch girls were back. Duchess # 1 was going to get up and sing this time and she had brought charts for All Of Me with her. Remembering me and my piano playing (that made me happy), she asked if I would play with the band on that track. Reluctantly, well maybe not quite so reluctantly, I agreed.

On stage, the piano was positioned at the ideal angle for me to stare at her perfect bosom unnoticed. But I really wanted to impress her, so I had to stay focussed on the job in hand (ooer), not least because we were going to play the song in a key unfamiliar to me. Thankfully, it came off good (ooer). In fact, I produced the best solo of my life, no question. The fact I knew the tune well definitely helped, but you cannot underestimate the importance of wanting to impress a very attractive woman.

At the end of the night, the Dutch delight gave me a big hug and a kiss and told me how I had made her evening. (I might be making up that last bit). Well playing with her, albeit in a purely musical sense, certainly made mine.