My Brother Comes Home

My brother is a huge, huge Smashing Pumpkins (particularly Billy Corgan) fan. Huge. Has the heart logo tattooed on his chest. Owns every album, including singles. Big fan.

In 2004 or 2005 (it's all blurring together), my brother came home from a tour in Iraq. He went as a combat correspondant, having gone through the Marine's journalism school, but he came home with combat medals. He spent a lot of time in Fallujah. And he did not come home okay.

He wouldn't talk to me about it, which was difficult for me, but understandable. His Post Traumatic Stress is a very real issue for him. He doesn't sleep because of the nightmares.

All my mom has ever said about it was "He saw some hideous shit over there." She got the calls from him while he was in Fallujah.

I tried to get him to talk to me about it once, when he was first home. I wanted to know what had happened that made it so impossible for him to be...him. His photos were shown in NY exhibits, he was the media liason at Pendleton, and got to meet countless celebrities and bands that came through (something he very much enjoyed). But once out of the service he was waiting tables and unable to find a job, even with his experience. He said that people shook his hand and thanked him for his service, but didn't hire him.

So we were sitting in my car, and I asked. "What happened? Are you dealing with it okay? Do you have someone to talk to?" Like I was going to have any idea how to cope with it, nevermind how to help him. Through the course of our conversation he said something to me I have never and will never forget.

"When I was a kid, I was Brad*, and I could be anybody. Then I started messing around, and I was Brad the Druggie, but there will still hope. Then I dropped out of school, and I was Brad the Drop out. Then I was Brad the Marine. And then I became Brad who put a bullet in someone's head, and I can't deal with it." 

I can't hear the song Disarm without crying for my brother, what he went through.  I heard it in a Walgreens parking lot, and was rendered immobile until it ended. It simultaneously represents his former and current self. It's the way I imagine he feels about himself. And I don't think he'd pick anybody but Billy Corgan to represent him.

 

 

*name changed