"How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics.. ."

Ok...so not the most positive memory title, but definitely the reason that I love this CD and, in particular, the song 'Thank You' - the first title of this collection.

I bought this CD last year because it featured Alanis' version of 'Crazy' - which produces in me an emotional impact in slightly different way than 'Thank You,' but for the same reason:  I relate both songs and their messages directly to my journey to improve my failing health.

For almost my entire life I've been struggling with chronic health problems (more so this last decade) and on the day I heard the Alanis version of 'Crazy' on my car radio, I was having a particular hard time dealing/coping with the impact my health was having on my happily living my life.  The message in that song of "...we'll never survive, unless we get a little...bit....crazy"...and "In a sky full of people, only some want to fly, isn't that crazy? In a world full of people, only some want to fly, Crazy...In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly, isn't that crazy? crazy crazy...crazy..." and the music accompanying it strengthened me that day.  I literally started yelling these words as an outlet as I so desperately tried to express the emotions buried within me; feelings like I was drowning under the strain...the pressure...of trying to "survive" when it has been so hard for me, a person who wants to fly, to not be able to because of the limitations my health have forced upon me. 

I had heard a different rendition of this song before, but this song gave me a better way to express my pain.

But I digress...

'Thank You,' as I mentioned, has also come to impact me in a similar way, but my emotions with this song range from a tribal scream or raging howl in the night, to utter despair, and then finally to gratitude.

The very first line of 'Thank You,' after I skipped from 'Crazy' to hear the rest of the collection, was the title of this memory:  "How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics."  The words hit me like a sledgehammer:  not only did I start crying, but I felt like someone had just swung that sledgehammer at my heart. 

Unbeknownst to me until recently (the past two years), the antibiotics that I took almost every month for several years because of repeated sinus infections and problems with my immune system fighting off invaders, were improving the short symptoms, but creating long-term damage to my intestinal lining and my body.  This damage had become so great that it has led to a whole slew of other health problems and I am now to the point that I'm either resistant or sensitive to all antibiotics, except one AND any allergies or sensitivities have been exacerbated and/or are extreme.  That alone would have been enough, I believe, to make anyone cry when hearing the above, BUT I had bought this CD after going nearly half a year without the antibiotics (by staying primarily at home and away from people and all of the nasty bugs they spread around and the perfumes and colognes they wear) and having just received my first treatment after a long and joyful reprieve that would then lead to another series the following month.  So, at that point I was crying over the situation I was in and the situation I had to return to (i.e. the antibiotics). 

Yet, as the song continued, I found my heart lifting just as it did with 'Crazy' and I found myself filled with gratitude after I heard the lines "Thank you frailty Thank you consequence" and “Thank you clarity” (from the final chorus).  Although this song was written after Alanis' trip to India, the lyrics could easily fit so many situations for so many different people and although the first two above lyrics could have a negative connotation (i.e. a sarcastic sentiment), for me, through the third, they became a clarion call:  so many people do not know about or are completely oblivious to the dangers or side effects of the medicines they take and I was among the lucky ones who finally did.  Frailty and consequence taught me a valuable lesson that gave me clarity:  I had always prided myself on not taking any other medicines except for the antibiotics which I didn't believe I could choose not to take given that my infections would stretch out for months.  Yet, suddenly I was learning that the very thing that was supposed to help me improve was actually destroying me and I had done this to myself in response, not necessarily to what my body needed, but to the demands of doctors and societal expectations (i.e. instead of staying home when things would get too bad and letting nature try to heal things in its own time by using rest instead of drug dependency to heal, I would take the antibiotic, go to work, visit friends or family, go out to eat, et cetera and would compound my infection by piling on exposures to a lot of different things).

These two songs helped me to move pass the upset over past mistakes and made me extremely grateful - not for being sick of course or for the discovery that to be well without antibiotics (at least for now) I need to stay from people, but for the knowledge that I now possess and the questioning and inquisitive attitude that this experience has imbued me with:  I don't simply take my doctor's words at face value any more.  I don't let them choose how I'm going to survive.  AND like 'Crazy,' 'Thank You' perfectly complemented my need to move on, to strive toward flying, and to remember “my divinity" without the past failures dragging me down in the present through comparisons of how events “should have” turned out versus how they actually did or how my life “might have” been different.

Postscript…

02/15/2008:  6:30PM (EST) Nightly News coverage was about the recent spread of resistant influenza that has occurred all over the country this past week.  While the newscaster spoke about flu vaccine shortages and the how the current vaccine and current anti-virals may not be effective tools against the ever increasing new forms of influenza, what struck me was a single thought:  how much of our medicine dependency/attitudes that created that dependency led to this national crisis in over 46 states?  True, we’re talking about “anti-virals” and not “antibiotics,” but with increased world travel, increased drug usage and the resistance that comes with, increase of working while sick, and increased mutations, not only are viruses and bacteria becoming more resistant – like MRSA, but are bodies are being altered by these medications (for example, yeast overgrowth and healthy bacteria destruction) and by the choices we make for the sake of convenience.