The Older Sister Role, Not Easy

"Ego conflicts, I was not alone anymore, my sister came into the world on May 16th, 1970 and mom was never going to be all mine again", I looked away as the school psychologist jotted down notes. I was beligerant to another student, this is only the ninth grade and I was even more convinced having had a sister to contend with, I had better be a real good role model. Only it was so hard. So I was facing the school psychologist because I had asked to talk to someone about my concerns.

My grandmother was very sick and we were not sure which summer would be the first without her, or the last with her. Mom was always flying back and fourth between Cleveland and Upstate because she was too distraught to drive. The tension was very thick and the conditions for communication very precarious. I kept to myself mostly and lashed out at my sisters repression of emotion on the whole thing. She was like a narly robot only not fun to be around or to play with but there for the pure enjoyment in perturbing me beyond redemptive qualities !

I heard this song one day and that became the day I too, adopted an ego-driven "It don't matter to me" attitude regarding that which I had no apparent control over. Death was inevitable and no some people just don't cry. Even sisters can only be as human as they feel . . . I felt I had encouraged my sister to avoid all confrontation with emotion and rather be logical and use tact. It made her a great lawyer eventually but have I done wrong in being not so great a role model? Emotions, the good ones are important to unleash. Slapping someone due to an insult being spewed irrationally, should be controlled. But how ?

I frequented Angelotta's office on days we were not supposed to meet because he gave me some purpose in forging ahead without worrying if sis was going to learn, or not, what to do and what not to do, from me. It was relevant to who she chose to be friends with, who she listened to, what influences her then and even today. I helped some but a schol psychologist and David gates made it just a little clearer. Roll the small stuff you cannot control off your back and forge ahead with determination.