I am Going to Be a Father, Sis

Jesse was always open about stuff with me so I expected this time to be no different since a look on his face was contorting with a bit of apprehension & excitement, telling me it was good but maybe bad, depending on how I was going to react. He needed music, nearly tilting me out of the hammock I am sitting on and dropping me into a foot of snow, I trek towards the fiero. He flips through the channels. I ask, "what song are you looking for to tell me what you can't ?"

Frustrated and not wanting to just blurt it out, he fumbles some more, but tenses up and swears a bit because the part he really liked was just missed and now it is almost over . . . but wide open is what I heard and the riff ending. It was by CREED and it really got to Jesse. This was big. I was not going to be presented with something lame like, "I sold my yamaha for a harley (just a joke harley riders we have those in the family too)", or "I decided I am going to paint the Fiero bright blue and puke green and soup it up can I borrow $200, no, nothing lame or even stupid came out of his mouth. Again, this was big and he needed the edge in music to get it just right.

Just as Jesse, who is still fumbling through the radio looking for music to avoid a subject he is just not sure how I would handle, "With Arms Wide Open" starts from the beginning and he quiets me. I listen to the whole thing, never saying anything till its over (difficult for me as I comment while stuff is playing usually) and when over he looks at me, puts his hands on my shoulders and looks me right in the eye and says, "I am a father also, sis, who is not giving their new baby all that he could. I don't feel enough with my big heart for my daughters mommy like I did before when we first conceived. I feel like I am failing, rapidly getting worse." I am not upset, nor stunned for i knew he was just a bit too young for the responsibility; however the choice was not completely his. In my long silence of not answering, quiet too long for Jesse's tolerance, he surfed again on the radio for something else, to break that silence, to let him know I was not angry or something.

Music is how we communicated, he was very eclectic and many different performers explained what was in Jesses head when he would recite what a song meant to him. This one meant it was time to open up his heart real big because a new life was created completely dependent on him, and he just needed some assurance he was doing the right thing even if he was 'falling out of love' with baby's mom. I congratulated him for the achievement although reprimended him about it for starting so early, he was only nineteen, 20 in April of 2000 a mere four months away and it was a very heavy load.

This song and my rest-assured affirmation that it would be difficult but not impossible gave him some strength to face his toughest challenges, even if it was for just a short time . . .

You are always here with us Jesse, this is for you babe ! Jess e Cesek was murdered while riding his motorcycle July of 2000, he was only 20 years, 3 months and 0 days young to be allowed to enter the other dimension before the rest of us. Love you baby brother, I feel you.