How Could I let This Happen?

The honeymoon was way over, the marriage was crumbling, our separate directions were driving us further and further apart. We were growing up but away from couple hood. I was sitting in the basement of a friends home, only minutes from where my first husband and I shared a home and so-called life together. I was listening to this song, alone. We were going to be signing the final papers for the annulment of our short-lived marriage, and this song managed to cover three important things: emotion, physical reaction, and growth. I experienced feeling upset because he did not want to go in my direction; disappointed in myself because I had failed to change or show any attempt at modification; and finally pulling myself out of the ‘wallowing and tears syndrome’ only to leave my friends house with a smile.

The message was be honest and it will set you free. This new cognitive reasoning allowed me to begin to re-invent myself on new levels without intimacy, superfluous drama or commitment, I was free. I was already veering away from most of the religious connotations we used to find common ground when standing together, but the earth moved not from passion but stubborn resistance. I felt sure once I understood what it means to stop communicating and leave everything to speculation, that trust was not only threatened but now irrevocably lost.

Our marriage failed for a variety of reasons but the bottom line was I did not know how to love him, it was a very difficult time, he was a difficult man. We were both not of the same faith and while his waned so miserably, mine blossomed in a totally different direction. A direction he was neither embracing nor encouraging; in fact he condoned my affiliation with anyone but of his faith as long as he could. I got restless and bored and decided “Jesus Christ Superstar” was one channel of faith and deliverance I could accept. My cognitive construct surrounding ‘religion’ began to take on a more ‘spiritual’ side of the existence coin. Three sided, the truth and his or her version-- proverbial coin that does not represent trinity in this memory but rather the three things: emotion, physical reaction and growth. The areas of my life that were reinforced by the admission of failure and not knowing how to love him.