Hers Was Still Dancing

Grandma had passed before christmas of 1981 and I still was in shock that there would be no more physical contact with this great woman who gave me most of which I am today. In her departure she left me with a powerful gift. A special unrequested, non-rehearsed, spontaneous gift that allows me to communicate with those that have passed. She was going to teach me through her own strength she demonstrated when death was handing her a subpoena to appear in the court of ones final exit, a graceful lesson in love.

There were still eight tracks back then and all I can say is, traditional acoustic remembrance. A speaker is what carries the sound and if its good, it is all good. Andy Gibb was all good. But ShadowDancing evokes something maybe Andy never thought of. I loved trying to catch up with grandmas shadow she cast when the early morning sunrise peeked through tall douglas firs. We would be hunting mushrooms and picking only the biggest, finest specimen of fungus goddess ever promised would taste good in stews ! Grandma was an amazing woman I wanted to be, her shadow was as close as I could get. Although loving to taking care of her eldest and only daughters child, this the favorite, their was distance rendered. Although not forceful abandonment but strict regimen of presenting affection when necessary. She was a very important real estate agent and grandma second. Career dedicated and I loved her while sometimes feared her. She expected and cultivated respect. She earned mine in a variety of ways but her shadow always remained the most friendly when trouble came about and she wanted to protect instead of share.

I adopted a much better view of the real woman behind the 'spoiling grandma' and appreciated her so much more. In her shadow i tried to reach in life, in death she will guide me into the life of her shadow I connected with while another tries to capture mine  . . . It is all relative

After she left and her departure speech came in fuzzy the first few times, I went into shadow dancing. Grandma loved to dance to ukranian music with a fabulous costume demonstrating pride in her culture, in her departure she reminded me to see her as happy she was when dancing, when I needed cheering up. Through Andy in some weird, great collective manner, his shadow dancing and my image of grandma dancing kept me close and forever protected no matter where she was. Her shadow, I still find darkening the path of light sometimes is not a darkness to fear but a shielding from the scorching realities my host still must face.

I retreat to my shadow where I may cool down and come to clearer understanding of self.