Can It Be Falling In Love

I think of chances of love that have come and gone - lost because my heart had wandered too far away or too deeply inside an abyss.

I'm here sitting here with a white teddy bear clasped in my arms as I type. I won't lie - I can feel tears welling in my glands from reminiscence. But looking down at this bear, his red nose that resembles mine when I get cold, and the heart he holds that asks me to be his sweetheart, my whole body and my old heart smiles. 

The memory is only several days old, and the events have been quick to unfold. I wonder, as the youngest gambler, hopefully not an addict, at this casino, if now at 22 years of age I've finally accepted the "L" word. Events of that sort happen as they always do with me - starting always in anger or passion. For once, openness followed subsidence. Sure, I've let myself fall this quickly in love - but it has never felt as open and true with the timing so right. 

The sappiness aside now, say hello to my Chrissy Teddy Bear. Chris called persistently the day after I jumped hurdle after hurdle to sneak him into my house but kicked him out in the morning. I was angry for reasons he didn't understand, or reasons I knew were irrational even to me but nonetheless make me who I am. I had turned sour so quickly after a night I didn't expect to be so wonderful. 

I was drinking but hardly feeling it at the karaoke bar. It was because of Chris that I finally sang, my voice cracking, myself cracking up and all. I had chosen most of the songs, meaning I sang most of the time. Ah, Celine Dion. I chose this song out of memory - recalling when 11 years old, sitting on my coffee table pulled right up to the cassette player, singing like it was me alone with the music even though my mom's sewing machine was running in the background. 

The song started playing at the bar. I hadn't heard it for so long I forgot the tune. But as the song goes, it was it was all coming back to me. My voice so incomparable to Celine's, but it didn't even matter - brilliant song that it is. If it's between powerful and sensual, I think I can pull off some sensual. I gave my weak diaphram the Baby, baby, baby, but fell back into Chris as if he kissed me like that...held me like that.

A mere 12 hours later, angry but finally picking up Chris's call, I was surprised and drawn outside my house as where he gave me this bear. He told me it only cost $3. It didn't matter. Walking and talking, crying and laughing, for at least a mile down the streets of Brooklyn, I held the bear close to me who kept me warm until it was Chris who did.