Missing Old Friends

This CD was one of my first... I guess I was in junior high when it came out. I had recently gone separate ways frommy best friends in elementary school, who I then proceeded to never speak to again. Our friendship hadn't been perfect, but I was much closer to her than anyone else at my elementary school, so it had been kind of a hard decision to stay in my district, which was different than pretty much everyone else at this school. From time to time since then, I'd wondered how she was doing, what was up in her life... I ran into her again maybe once or twice, but that was it. And kids go separate ways all the time, so it might not seem like such a big deal. But usually I'm very loyal to my friends, and I certainly didn't forget her.

Quite some time later... ten years, in fact, I heard through the grapevine that she'd killed herself. She'd always been kind of an insecure person--but I hadn't known that, later, she'd struggled with bulimia and depression. There was such a funny little knot of emotion that welled up in me at that news... shock, surprise, sadness, and a little bit of guilt. I felt sad, felt guilty for feeling sad, felt sad for feeling guilty... yeah, a complete mess.

This is a song that I've come to associate with her, and with that whole period in my life. This whole CD is one of the rare few that I haven't outgrown, or overplayed. Whenever I listened, and listen, to this song, I think of her, and I kind of wonder if it would have made any difference if I had kept in touch. Maybe. Probably not. But when I listen to this song I remember the good things about her, and why we were friends. And I think that's a good thing.